The Christmas Mummers

It was Christmas Eve; the tree was trimmed, the stockings were hung, and Leah, with a pot of hot chocolate and a plate of cookies, was reading Thomas Hardy’s The Return of the Native, as ten-year-old girls are wont to do of a Christmas Eve.  She had just reached the part about the Christmas Mummers, when suddenly there was a furious pounding on the front door.  But before she had time to get up, the door burst open, and in came . . .

The Christmas Mummers!

“Room !  Room!

Give us room to rhyme!

We’re here with some diversion,

Now that it’s Christmastime!

“In comes I, St. George,

That man of courage bold!

With bright broadsword in hand

I won a crown of gold!”

“In comes I, the Valiant Soldier,

Bold Slasher is my name!

With sword and buckler by my side

I mean to win the game!”

“Then battle to battle with you I call,

To see which on the ground will fall!”

“Battle to battle with you I cry,

To see which on the ground will lie!”

!!!

“Alack!  Alack!  Look what I’ve done!

I’ve killed my Father’s only son!

Is there a Doctor can be found

To cure his deep and deadly wound?”

“In comes I, the Doctor!”

“What’s thy cure, Doctor?”

“The Crippen, the palsy, and the gout,

Raging pains both in and out!

Cure the sick, heal the lame,

And bring the dead to life again!”

“What’s thy fee, Doctor?”

“Ten guineas is my fee,

But ten times that I’ll take of thee.”

“Try thy skill, Doctor!”

“I have a bottle by my side,

The fame of which spreads far and wide.

The stuff therein is Elacampane,

And it brings the dead to life again!

A drop to the head,

A drop to the heart,

Arise St. George,

And take thy part!”

“Once I was dead,

But now I’m alive!

Blessed be the Doctor

Who made me revive!”

“With a pocket full of money,

And a cellar full of beer,

We wish you Merry Christmas,

And a Happy New Year!”

“Wonderful!” Leah exclaimed, “St. George, I know you’re Jane, I recognize your accent!  The Doctor must be Kelly, because she’d want to be part of this Ancient Pagan Fertility Ritual.  But Bold Slasher has me stumped!”

“Bailey!  I might have known the three roommates would be in this together.  This calls for hot chocolate and cookies all around!”

“Back home,” Jane said, “when the Yuletide Guisers came to deLacey Hall, the Steward would give them cakes and ale, and a silver penny or two.  But hot chocolate and cookies are just Jim Dandy, and have cakes and ale beat all hollow!  God Rest Ye Merry, Sisters!”